Thank you for joining me in this adventure!
So here I go again. Another dive into the wild waters of change.
Another journey of seeking the right space that aligns with my core values, whilst living as best as possible attuned to the purpose of my life.
Again leaving a country to live in another. Once more leaving behind the beautiful and dear friends, family and community that began to grow of its own accord, due to Life’s grand design. A plan so great we have no way to fathom it from where we stand. Especially when the waves are wild, and the current strong.
We can only accept our fate as a fish that can’t fly.
Once more to meet new friends, and dear old ones, connect with people, discover another school for my daughter, be part of a new culture and create another community of fellow friends who seek meaning and a positive way to express that, a Sangha.
I have just done this thrice in the past 4 years, and I am actually tired. As I get on, a little, I begin to find this arduous. Whereas before this was the zest of my life. Change, adventure, challenge and meeting the new with enthusiasm and a passion.
But these last 2 years I become so highly Vattic, so imbalanced, to say the least. The moving, meeting old and new, brings up so much doubt, insecurity and a sense of loneliness amongst so much familiarity. Lately I feel relationships seems so disconnected and distant. Not just new ones, but even very close family ones. Instead of connection, being linked so that energy, warmth, understanding and true compassion, can flow.
Is it just me, I wonder. Did I do or say something wrong? If so, why don’t people just adress it? Or are there many of us feeling this way, and just pretending it’s all normal? Sometimes it all seems so insane. Then I go back to the question ‘Is it just me’?
Or is this the way life is going while we consume an “all is well, as long as I am well” attitude, or is it just an evolutionary small but steep bump in the road? Is it my attitude?
There is one thing I have discovered in this 43 years of being very self-willed, diligent and to be honest, a little self-righteous, that the mind and will can only get you so far. Sometimes the will will not help you out. And you can get yourself stuck into a very tight and lonely spot. Doing it my way, all alone, all the time.
At a certain point I came to a total collapse. A burnout. Actually, this has happened twice in my life. Both times I was going full steam ahead with what I felt intuitively wasn’t good for me, but for some unreason, I could not let go of this willful steering wheel either.
Eventually I came to a total dead end, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. All was black. The light within me had dwindled these last 2 years, as it had done 15 years ago. I saw it get smaller.
I thought it was necessary, work hard, struggle and suffer, just like the rest of most of my fellow humans.
But this winter the light was gone. I felt nothing. And as a Yoga teacher I felt like such a hypocrite teaching and guiding others to their inner light when mine was non-existant! Not only was it gone, I was a liar!
But as I spent days in nature with my daughter trying to be as present as possible, and to connect to this source that had once filled my whole mind and body, I finally succumbed to surrendering. To letting go of all that had taken so long to grow, the friends, commmunity, my childs amazing school and her funny loving friends, and reconnecting with my family from childhood. I learned immense things there, I felt that the connections we allowed to grow and strengthen have healed many wounds on both sides, not just family but also friends.
Yet here I was standing in a forward bend, head between my legs. Completely depressed, burnt out, trying to let go. When all of a sudden the symbolism of the position made me realise- if I just let it all go, if I just open up to going backward, not forward. Actually letting go and turning around. Instantly a faint light came and it flowered. My Heart began to come alive again. The light is still tiny and my cup do not runneth over yet, but it is slowly filling up again.
Now I never have had such a clear message.
I played with this insight for weeks. 3 days trying to make it work to stay, to find a way, and 3 days of letting go and starting it all over again. Well on the days that I decided to stay, I met unkind people, things went awry, I realised I was reluctant. On the days I decided to leave, people were kind, helpful, life went smoothly, my spirits were up.
This is when the unconscious speaks to us. When we are very focused on the subject we are dealing with we realise what our reluctance is about. What is it that we are doing that we actually don’t want to be doing anymore? The unconscious is coming into the conscious mind.
Horray! I am moving forward. Yet this also leads to more questions about choices and patterns. There is also an immense feeling of failure. Non completion, running away, repeating past patterns that have not been digested or transmuted.
Even though this was a clear message, it is still scary to let go of everything that has been lovingly tended, nurtured and encouraged to grow. Can I do it again?
How can we best discover the wisdom and strength from our difficult past experiences? Which at present feel like wide open wounds. No matter where I am, there they are.
Yet through writing and speaking with friends about my past, present and future, I slowly start to see and understand the underlying gift. The jewel manifests where our experiences reveal what is left after the waves have calmed. When the water is still, we reflect and the light of our consciousness frees this pattern. Releases this shadow from our unconscious.
Whoever says spirituality is for the light hearted has not a clue of what he speaketh!
And the travels we all go through to find our purpose, our meaning, our jewel to offer in this world, are never for nothing.
I have found that the practice of Yoga is my place of reflection everytime, no matter how high and rough the waters are. Understanding through my own body, mind and heart. A journey that churns my being, to reveal the only thing that always remains there waiting for us. Because the gold that remains after all base metal has been alchemized, lights up from within each of us. That transmuting of ignorance into wisdom, the alchemy of changing dark to light, can be a space we hold open for each other.
The way is not always easy or fun, and surely not tempting, yet like Bob Marley said so simply, “You can run, but you can’t hide”.
What experiences have you distiilled into gems?
Write them down look at your suffering and the patterns that bring it about, find what life is trying to tell you. Free that small part of shadow or darkness, shine your light of consciousness.
What is your wisdom path?
And it is this precious element I wish to discover with you.